The "If I Ruled The World Top 20" Of Mid-Oct 2009

1. Girls – Lust For Life (up from No.9!)

It’s a bit early, and I’m sure that Melbourne weather will do what Melbourne weather always does about this time of year, and that is, after tempting us with some sporadic sun, turning to shit again until Christmas. However, this is my early tip for feel good hit of the summer.

Reasons for this include. It’s a song about being dissatisfied, and if you read the lyric sheet (“I wish I had a boyfriend/ I wish I had a loving man in my life” – which is going to lead to endless and pointless arguments about whether he is gay or just pretending to be a girl. The band’s name is Girls. Does that mean anything? I don’t know *head explodes*) you’d think “shut up and stop whining about it. Do what your mother always told you to do and go out in the sun and play. Go and do some cartwheels in a park or something.” And that is exactly what this song sounds like! It sounds like a soundtrack to doing cartwheels in a park (or rolling down a hill, or playing in a inflatable toddler pool, or kicking in someone’s sandcastle – I originally wrote building the sandcastle, but then I realized that it is the kicking it in that is much more fun).

2. Little Boots – Remedy (down from No.1!)

Being Australia I always felt as though I missed out, in never being part of the studio audience for Top Of The Pops. And now they’ve canned it and so it shall never be. But that is okay, because now I’ve seen Little Boots in concert and it’s like all my bubblegum pop dreams have come true. So thank you Little Boots, and here is a Number One on my chart.

You did so much better at Parklife on Saturday than La Roux did. Obviously I like La Roux. Obviously the cute lesbian girl behind me who was singing along to ever word loved La Roux too (she did a very good job I must say, got all the inflections right and everything). In fact there was a great deal of singing along at La Roux. If you haven’t heard a entire crowd full of thousands of people going “la la la” to the synth line of “In For The Kill” then you just haven’t lived. And of course, her hair – clearly the most important part of any La Roux review – was in perfect condition, and I don’t think even a strand fell out of place of the perfect pyramid that was on the top of her head.

But Little Boots! That was something else. Yes, you are clearly playing at being a pop star, and I can tell that you are sad that you never got to play on Top Of The Pops either. And you’ll never have the chance to be on the cover of Smash Hits magazine. And maybe you are sad about that, I don’t know. All I know is that in the years of going to concerts, I have seen many pop stars trying to get the crowd to clap. But I’ve never seen anyone clap so sexy. Little Boots makes clapping sexy! Not to mention chipmunk teeth. She makes them sexy as well.

Like La Roux, Little Boots also seems to have a thing for pyramids (apparently if you put an apple inside of a pyramid it never goes rotten. I learnt this at Shonen Knife last week!). But even Little Boots can’t made pyramids sexy.

3. Drake – Best I Ever Had (up from No.19!)

This bitch (yo Fleur wassup?) put this link on my wall about a month ago, saying you got to put this in your Top 20. It was, not this song, but Jeremih’s “Birthday Sex.” I said no. I may have been a bit derisive about it. Sorry about that. It was all a bit too … how can I put this… Craig David-y.

Consider this then as a bit of a consolation.

It’s pretty much got the same selling points as Jeremih’s a little bit nasty “I’m gonna make your pussy whistle/ like the Andy Griffiths theme song”, a little bit nice “You can have my heart/ or we can share it like the last slice”, whilst being full of that indefinable essence known in the hood as “swagger.”

“You know a lot of girl be thinking my songs are about them. This is not to be confused. This one’s for YOU!” Although I’m not convinced of the grammatical correctness of such an intro (although Word is not giving it a squiggly green line, so who am I to question), this is such a classic use of pop theory of how to make every ho listening to the radio feel special, whilst also, and perhaps more importantly, coming off as an absolute stud. Well played.

4. Chew Lips – Salt Air (up from No.6!)

Possibly the best electro song of all time is “Destroy Everything You Touch” by Ladytron (possibly it’s The Knife’s “Heartbeats”, possibly it’s something else) because it’s an angry dancing song that brings to mind the angry dancing scene in Footloose. But with robots! I like robots (see below).

This is almost as good. It’s almost as dangerous. And maybe it’s not angry as such, maybe just a bit miffed, but they are getting drunk and they are crashing cars, so it kind of screams attitude. It also screams catchy as fuck and full of utter choonage.

5. Karen O and the Kids – All Is Love (down from No.3!)

So far I have been able to resist the giddy excitement everyone appears to be feeling about the “Where The Wild Things Are” movie. I read the book the other day, and I’m sorry, but it was shit, and I want my two minutes back. The kid gets sent to his room, imagines that he sails to an island, meets some monsters, they dance, he gets bored, he goes home. That’s what passes for children’s literature these days?

This tune however - which sounds exactly like you’d expect Karen O and bunch of kids, doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, to sound like – is getting me excited. If you like the concept of Karen O and bunch of kids doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, then you’ll love this heart breaking work of staggering genius.

The only potentially sad side-effect of it, is that it may put The Grates out of work. Given that Patience is now appearing on game shows maybe it already has.

6. The Big Pink – Dominos (down from No.2!)

A contender for the most anthemic chorus of the year (made of course even more anthemic due to the complete over-use of the reverb button) perfect for shouting with your fist in the air in a very “woo hoo! I feel heavy metal! Woo hoo!” kind of way. And whilst you are waiting for the chorus to come around to get excited about again, there’s a decent slab of weirdness – I think they are aiming for the sound of a chewed up cassette, an almost forgotten sound of the eighties - thrown in just to keep you entertained.

You also have to love the name of the band. The Big Pink. It’s both grandiose, and kind of wimpy, all in three little words. As is the song – possibly more grandiose and nerdy actually, but you get the idea - named as it is after my favourite time-wasting activity of my childhood. They used to show these feats of domino daring on “That’s Incredible” all the time, and the people who made them, they were heroes to me. So now I am happy that I can find a similar level of excitement and wonder, at this example of arena geek-pop.

7. Ladyhawke – Magic (down from No.6!)

I’m pretty sure I put this in my chart like six-months ago or something, but apparently it’s actually been released as a single now – to the extent that things like single-releases actually matter in a world where you can buy whatever individual song you want on iTunes whether it is an official single or not and album tracks are making the Top 40 without any effort on behalf of the record company – and there is a video. Avoid the video however, because the general consensus is that it is shit. The general consensus, in this case, is correct.

The song itself starts off with the best, short, brief, simple “one, two” drum roll ever. So good in fact, that this pretty much turns into the main hook-line of the song. This means that you need to be prepared for much clapping on the dance floor. I often try to start a clapping game, or some co-ordinated high-fiving in circumstances such as this, but people keep on fucking it up. But I have warned you now, so be aware, and be ready for when it happens. You know who you are and you have been warned.

8. Speech DeBelle – Go Then Bye (down from No.5!)

Not to be confused with Speech from Arrested Development, due to at least two factors. (a) she’s a girl. (b) she’s British. Other than those two little details though the confusion is understandable, since she more or less ploughs the same hippyish “why can’t we all just love each other” vibe, and I keep on waiting for her to purr a rhyme like “this goes to Africa/ that’s my mother land.” Also because they both have that same jazzy good vibes on the organic tip thang going on.

And in case you don’t know, she just won the Mercury Music Prize, probably because they like their award to go to zeitgeist capturers, and nothing captures the zeitgeist better than break-up/love rap songs with lines about Facebook (“I can’t see your face on Facebook/ because we’re not friends on Facebook”). Additional mad props for managing to deliver that line without bursting into a smile.

9. The xx – Teardrops (down from No.4!)

I quite like The xx. They are a nice little band, and they have a rather nice sound that no-one seems to be able to quite nail down in words – I’ve heard descriptions of their influences ranging from modern R&B to the greatest 80s post-punk-twee band Young Marble Giants – but if one thing is clear, it is that they capture the very essence of “awkward shyness” – even if they do sing about sex it is assumedly awkward sex – and it always a good thing for a band to capture an emotion. So shy they are, that they don’t even use a drum kit. That would be too in your face. They use a drum pad (don’t ask me the brand or model, I don’t know, I don’t care) that they tap with their fingers.

The sad thing is though that they can not write a decent song. I have listened to their album several times and as of yet I can’t find any that are jumping out at me with their brilliance. The album is a lovely journey, but there is a distinct lack of “Big Things” worth stopping the car for, taking a photo, buying a Coke and sending off some postcards.

Thank God therefore, for cover versions. This is the old Womack and Womack song!

When this song first came out in 1988, I hated it. The woman had an annoying voice, and she had stupid glasses (and the video was terrible, just a bunch of ugly old people singing). Also I was a 13 year old boy, so if you weren’t Poison or Transvision Vamp I just didn’t give a damn. But a zillion cover and remixes versions later, it is hard to ignore that when it comes to nostalgia, when it’s come to capturing the feeling of confusion and awkwardness often felt whilst on the dancefloor, this song is hard to beat. And when it is being sung by some pasty indie kids with a chiming guitars – one of the best sounds to capture aching awkwardness – then that really is something special. This lot do it with more emphasis on the nostalgic “remind me baby of you” side, than just the “footsteps on the dancefloor.” If only I knew this 20 years ago.

10. Royskopp feat. Robyn – The Girl And The Robot (steady at No.10!)

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to like this tune. I love Royskopp. I love Robyn. I quite like both girls and robots (both have their uses). I guess some songs just sound better if you are working out on an exercise bike when you hear them.

11. Mumford & Sons – Little Lion Man (up from No.20!)

Mumford & Sons is such a cute little name. It makes you think they are a lolly shop. “Little Lion Man” is a cute name for a song too. It’s what some-one called Mumford might call you as a nickname when you are buying your weekly lollies (if, for example, you hadn’t had a haircut in some time). And they say “fuck” a lot, and swearing is always cuter when it’s in a hard to identify accent (Is it Scottish? Is it Irish? Is it Welsh? Cor blimey, apparently it’s just London. But it’s supposed to olde London, like this is what the Baker Street Irregulars would have been like when they grew up)

12. Jay-Z (feat. Alicia Keyes) – Empire State Of Mind (down from No.11!)

This song is about New York.

Jay-Z says he’s “the new Sinatra” and paraphrases another song about New York. In fact, Jay-Z seems to be in a competition with Frank about who likes New York more. That’s right. After seeing Nas and Mos Def off (although seemingly deciding to take a surprisingly pragmatic “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” approach to Kanye) Jay-Z seems to have decided to go head to head with Frank Sinatra. And I think Jay-Z might actually be winning.

Do you ever think that New Yorkers might like their city a little bit too much? Just a thought.

13. Love Is All – Last Choice (new entry!)

Just the fact that it is the most excitable of all Scandinavian pop groups would be good enough. But it’s a song about being left alone at party and so picking up some random almost-stranger (“as I stand up to go/ I see someone I vaguely know”)(“I’m not your kind/ and you’re not mine/ but for tonight/ you’ll do just fine”). It’s cheap. It’s slutty. But duh, it’s pop!

14. I Heart Hiroshima – Shakeytown (up from No.17!)

Included for a number of reasons, the main ones being:

(a) They supported Shonen Knife, although one suspects this was largely because of their name.

(b) Because I feel guilty about the fact that whenever I’ve seen the drummer/lead singer/only-member-with-any-charisma I’ve mistaken her for a guy (consider it the Le Tigre syndrome). Which is slightly better than my impression when I saw her drumming, which was that she was a monkey. I mean that as a compliment.

15. Florence and the Machine – You’ve Got The Love (up from No.16!)

Not an awful lot different from the original – which was a house anthem from the early 90s – (other than the fact that it features “real” instruments) but Florence does it so well, and with so much energy, and she just nails it. It’s like one of those magical moments that Idol fans live for.

16. Chromeo – Night By Night (new entry!)

Further proof, if any was needed, that the eighties are so much better the second time around, when “the kids” can dress up the clothes without having to actually live in the decade, to live with Reagan and Thatcher, and without their iPhones and their Nintendo Wiis. That is, “the kids” can decide to take the good bits and ignore the bad bits. How brilliant for them. Quite what they choose as being the good bits on the other is another thing entirely. In this case, it appears that Chromeo have decided upon Hall & Oates, as their primary influence. It’s not what I would have chosen personally, but this is Hall & Oates covering Daft Punk. The result is the most sleazy piece of fun since Data Rock.

17. Crayon Fields – Mirror Ball (new entry!)

People’s opinion of this song will no doubt centre around the lyric “I look at you / and suddenly I’m a virgin”, the kind of line that will either make you consider it as an adorable depiction of sensitivity, or have you slap yourself on the forehead, shaking your head thinking “dude why did you have to say that? You almost had her there with your cruisey last-dance of the night twee disco action.” I am so looking forward to their album launch next Friday at Trades Hall. Jens Lekman is DJ-ing. Shall there ever be a greater concentration of fops congregated into the one room? I doubt it. It shall be a sight to behold for sure.

18. Los Campensinos! - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (down from No.12!)

Nobody – well, maybe Ben Gibbard – does emo poetry quite like Los Campensinos! When they are happy they rant about dancing in the fountain. When they are heart broken they say stuff like “I invented you/ and I can destroy you.” And when they feel like being arty rock-snobs and start name dropping bands and record labels in songs, it a good idea if you have a computer nearby so you can Google every second line.

So when they decide to do one of those dreary story of someone’s crappy life, like The Smiths and tones of other 80s bands were so good at doing, you know that this is going to be an all powerful drear-fest. I think they even sample the clunking drum from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumours.” That is pretty damned dreary.

Every Los Campensinos! tune has an OMG that’s the best lyric eva! moment. For this song that lyric might be “you can never kiss a Tory boy without wanting to cut out your tongue.”

19. Metric – Gimme Sympathy(down from No.14!)

Otherwise known as the song that asks “Who’d you rather be: The Beatles Or The Rolling Stones?”

The Beatles.

Definitely The Beatles.

20. Marina & The Diamonds – I Am Not A Robot (new entry!)

Which is stating the obvious somewhat, or possibly doth protesting too much, since Marina sings most of her songs singing about being “real” and it’s unfortunate cousin of being “vulnerable,” both of which are discussed in detail in this tune, which is being sung either to herself, her boyfriend, possibly both, possibly even talking to her boyfriend but really talking to herself and projecting her own insecurities, onto someone else. Yeah. This is some deep shit.

TOP TEN DEATH MATCH No.11!

Welcome to Top Ten Death Match No.11! In which we attempt to determine whether the pop charts have actually gotten worse, or if it's just us and we've become old and out of touch with "the kids", by comparing today's top ten with a randomly generated top ten of the past! Or this time with October 1994!

NOTE: I have decided to change the format a bit. Instead of the previously rating songs out of five shenanigans, songs instead shall be compared to each others. This shall increase the actual death-matchness of the situation, which I admit was something of an weakness with the previous format.

Since this is Top Ten Death Match No.11, those of you who are adequate at math, or better, would realize that we have already done ten of them. The current score therefore stands at...

NOW: 4

THEN: 6

Close, but anyone's game still.

1. “Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta & Akon vs “Confide In Me” by Kylie Minogue

“Confide In Me” was a key moment in Kylie’s decade long identity crisis that was the 90s, when she decided that she did not want to be a pop disco diva anymore, and went on a decade of soul searching and being killed by Nick Cave, until by the end of the decade she had realized what it was that she was put onto this planet for, and that was to be a pop disco diva. Preferably in hot pants. It was a beautiful story arc, about learning to accept yourself (curiously, Madonna's career followed much the same story arc during the 90s with far less entertaining result). And this - a six minute epic, featuring Eastern European fiddles, strings and other weird ethnic sounding instruments (the minute long intro still stands as one of the weirdest moments ever to grace an Australian Number One.) featuring a whole lot of whispering, a slightly disturbing tribute to late night sex-lines, and um… salvation – was the centre piece of this story.

“Sexy Bitch” on the other hand fails at much of what it sets out to achieve, at least on the Akon (otherwise known as Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam) side of things, largely due to his apparent tool-dom, most notably demonstrated in his complete inability to describe the girl without being disrespectful. It can not be denied however that the songs is rather – as I believe the kids today refer to this sort of thing as – banging. It may be just a step in Akon’s life journey, until one day he is able to find a way to respect women, and therefore as important a chapter in his own story arc, but somehow I am doubting this.

Which however is something of a strength. At least Akon is undeniably keeping it real. What we are seeing is the real Akon. The man is not acting. Kylie was acting, and, quite badly as well. I’m sorry, but I am not convince that if I called up Kylie, to tell her my woes, that she would actually care.

WIN = THEN

2. “Like It Like That” by Guy Sebastian vs. “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men

In a lovely coincidence here we have a battle of songs that are trying to be sexy (okay, probably not that much of a coincidence given that “trying to be sexy” is pretty much the central conceit of pop music). But Boyz II Men win since, despite their clean cut image, they’d probably actually go through with their threat. Whereas (and I am aware that he has rectified this issue recently) I can’t look at Guy without thinking “virgin!”

WIN = THEN

3. “Evacuate The Dancefloor” by Cascada vs. “Seven Seconds” by Youssou N’Dour & Neneh Cherry

“Evacuate The Dancefloor” is the kind of song that has you scrambling for a couple of the Bible just to check whether it is one of the signs of the apocalypse. That leaves you stunned that anyone could do such a brilliant Lady GaGa impersonation, and in fact out GaGa Lady GaGa. I’m not sure if I mean that as a compliment or not.

“Seven Seconds” shocks people on a completely different level, if only because it is the only song ever to make the charts, whilst being sung – at least partially – in Wolof which seems to have at least a couple of words that sound vaguely English, including – quite gratifyingly – one that sounds an awful lot like “funky”. However, unlike Cascada, Youssou is not singing about the funk. He is singing about something far, far deeper. Something about the first seven seconds of a child’s life, which is apparently the average time it takes for a kid to figure out that life sucks. I would really be interested in seeing any research to support such a pronouncement, since I sincerely have my doubts about this.

So “Seven Seconds” is some pretentious philosophical shit that probably changed nobody’s mind about anything. “Evacuate The Dancefloor” however succeeds gloriously in its goals (as simple as those goals are). I think I’ll give it to “Seven Seconds” however, simply because I love the way Youssou sings “mi-mi-mi-mi-million voices.” That always gets me.

WIN = THEN

4. “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas vs. “Swamp Thing” by The Grid

If the Black Eyed Peas lose this one, then quite frankly it is their own fault, for re-establishing “three thousand and eight”-ness as a means of judging musical quality. Techno was always about the future, and imagining what the future might be like, insecure in the likelihood that you would sound a bit dated two weeks later. So how dated does The Grid’s banjo-techno pretensions sound one and a half decades later? Strangely enough, not very. It still sounds quite futuristic. And it is still a record that makes you tip your hat and go, “mmm, that’s different.” And no amount of pointing out that the success of “Swamp Thing” possibly begat “Cotton Eye Joe” dilutes it. It was a simple idea, and they keep it simple.

Simplicity is something that The Black Eyed Peas have never considered. Subtlety is something that they may have heard in passing, but didn’t take any notice of. Remember the video for “Don’t Lie” where they are giants stomping around. This is what the Black Eyed Peas do. They are not just pop stars. They insist on being mythic superheroes (see the video for the next song “Meet Me Halfway.” )And they don’t just create the party. They crash the damn thing, and act obnoxious about it. Seriously, do we have to put with that?

In the end, The Grid win due to basic “who do I want to slap the least?” logic.

WIN=THEN

5. “Meet Me Halfway” by The Black Eyed Peas vs. “I Swear” by All-4-One

The extent to which a person can like a song like “I Swear” is directly related to the extent to which they believe in/feel cynical about love/marriage and the extent to which they can stomach love song dedication shows on the radio. It does not help that the people doing the requesting seem to be universally pathetic.

Sample on-air conversation:

Love-Struck Girl : I’d like to dedicate this to my boyfriend, because he is the light of my life, and I think I would totally die if he left me.

Love-Song-Dedicated-DJ-With-The-Deep-Voice: That’s beautiful. How long have you been together?

Love-Stuck Girl : Oh about a week.

Although not as obviously schmaltzy, reading The Black Eyed Peas lyric sheet creates the impression that they spent a maximum of five minutes coming up with these rhymes.

“I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do”

Surely they could have come up with something better than that. The schmaltz however is well covered up by (a) being followed by less sentimental lyrics such as “yo girl wassup/ yo girl wassup”, (b) the sudden and quite inexplicable shifts in studio trickery, to make apl.de.ap sound like Darth Vader being introspective and (c) the typical Black Eyed Peas epic blockbuster production values, that just about equals the “OMG-I-think-I’m-going-to-die” attitudes of Love-Struck Girl, and therefore makes her look just a bit less pathetic.

WIN = NOW

6. “The Last Day On Earth” by Kate Miller Heidke vs. “Endless Love” by Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey

Seriously, what was in the water in 1994? I can not move without bumping into a soppy pile of mushiness. This whole chart is like listening to a couple calling each other pet names like “honey bunny” and “snuggle wuggle.” We may have stumbled, with this top ten, upon the commercial pinnacle of the Great Easy Listening Revival of 1993-1995 (let’s just be thankful that Celine hasn’t made an appearance). This revival didn’t last long. Within a month, silverchair, Offspring, Nine Inch Nails would storm the Top Ten, Nirvana would have their only Number One with “About A Girl”, the Cranberries would briefly become the biggest band in the world by appealing to both the “alternative” and “easy listening” demographics, thus creating the Great Post-Kurt Grunge Boom of 1994-1995.

With “Endless Love” we have two masters – and they were masters, nobody goes “mmm” as musically as Mariah, and, although he had a lot to answer for having had a hit with the quite awful “The Best Things In Life Are Free” with Janet Jackson a couple of years earlier, was, as a general rule, pure class. Just look at his perfectly manicured bum-fluff mo – singing a lovely song about how much they love each other, except that it isn’t. It comes across more as two giant egos competing with each other for who can over-sing the song the most. It’s only a love song to themselves. Emotional Content = Zero.

Kate’s song however is all emotion. Vocal aerobics would be inappropriate. People – that is people who have a soul – do not do vocal aerobics when they are aching inside. This play-off therefore is between the sound of tears falling delicately like autumn leaves onto the ground, and two giant egos fighting for control. The tears win.

WIN = NOW

7. “I Know You Want Me” by Pitbull vs. “Love Is All Around” by Wet Wet Wet

Pretty much a repeat of No.5. I hate Pitbull because he is a douche bag. I hate Wet Wet Wet because it is sentimental crap. But it is sentimental crap you can believe in, in the same way as clearly Richard Curtis who screenplayed “Four Weddings And A Funeral” as well as every other British romantic comedy of the last decade and a half clearly believes in. It is of course also entirely possible that Pitbull believes in being a douche bag (why else would you name yourself after a species of dog that absolutely everyone hates?).

Sentimental sop. Douche bag. Sentimental sop. Douche bag. Sentimental sop. Douche bag.

Mmmm…..

WIN :THEN

8. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Glee Cast vs. “Stay (I Missed You)” by Lisa Loeb

As of yet I have not watched Glee, so I may be lacking a bit of context. On the other hand, probably not. Let’s see if I understand it correctly: new clever teen show with the cast singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” a song that only a select handful of classic rock listeners remember prior to (a) the last Sopranos scene, and (b) the admission on The OC that Journey was Ryan Atwood’s favorite band. That’s the context? That’s the concept?

That’s quite a concept.

Lisa Loeb also requires a little understanding of context, although you do not need to watch Reality Bites to gain it (although you should anyway, if you have nothing else to do). It has more to do with the position of Lisa Loeb in popular culture, as the ultimate geek girl sex symbol, and the turning point from when girls with glasses were social outcasts, to girls that it was socially acceptable, and even recommended, to shag. A world of geek fetishes began with this song.

The genius thing about “Stay (I Missed You)” is that it is nothing but a whole lot of rambling, a communication between two people, a declaration of insecurities, which drags you in with the need to eavesdrop on this conversation that is so not any of your business. The effectiveness with which this is achieves even makes up for the fact that it actually has no chorus.

Glee’s allure is not so subtle. It smacks you over the head with it’s life affirming wiles. Until it’s over and you realize that it’s just a High School Musical, and therefore not based particularly in “reality.” Whereas Lisa Loeb was based in “Reality Bites.” Reality wins.

WIN = THEN

9. “Good Girls Gone Bad” by Cobra Starship vs “Rockin’ For Myself” by Motiv8

Although dressed up in the latest dayglo outfits, - the kind that make you want to slap the wearers - “Good Girls Gone Bad” belongs to a long and distinguished school of rock’n’roll song writing, being based on four main concepts. (a) the irresistible attraction of “good girls”, (b) the fact that although they may be a little skanky, “bad girls” do have certain attributes, mostly in relation to the ease of getting in their pants, (c) the realization that the only thing bad about “good girls” is that they are not “bad” and (d) the awesomeness of the singer, particularly in relation to solving that little dilemma.

Compared to that, “Rockin’ For Myself” is disappointingly direct. It’s about feeling good. It is also – after a couple of drinks, and if played suitably loud – a rather exciting little tune, and one of the greatest moments in the history of Euro-dance. I always felt that it was an “I Feel Love” for my generation, being all about the sensory experience and all.

Further investigation however demonstrates that the cute girl with the fuzzy yellow jumper and love of giant strawberries was not the actual singer. It was sung by a crazy fat chick! This sort of thing was done a lot in those days – Black Box, Technotronic, Milli Vanilli et al. But he remixed Pulp, so he couldn’t be all bad could he?

So it is a play off between fakes and a bunch of tools.(my opinion on their tool-dom may change over the next couple of weeks, since I have decided to make a determined effort to investigate this dayglo-nu-electro-nu-pop-nu-punk movement that is all around us. And find out what the kids like to call this shit. Personally I like "em-lectro." I'll keep you posted)

WIN = THEN

10. “Run This Town” by Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye vs. “Rhythm Of The Night” by Corona

If this was based purely on choruses (as well as awesome facial expressions whilst singing the afore mentioned choruses) Corona would be a shoe-in (if only because Rihanna sounds bored when singing hers)

If this was based purely on the level of attitude and/or swagger (as well as the number of sunglasses worn in the video – with more sunglasses considered to be a positive) then Jay-Z would be a shoe-in.

Having listened to each song three times however, Corona are beginning to remind me of the reasons that Euro-dance was annoying the first place.

Which leaves us with a score of...

NOW: 3

THEN: 7

THEN WINS!!!!

AND FOR THE COMPETITION AS A WHOLE?

NOW: 4

THEN: 7

Come on NOW. Lift up your game a bit.

Top 20 of Australian pop songs of the 80s that should be reissued, for various reasons that shall be discussed.

The world is currently in shock. The Beatles have reissued their back catalog, but for the people of Australia there is one reissue that is far more exciting. The reissue of 1927’s “classic” “…ish” album.



This album was notable for several reasons. Having a terrible name. Having an even more terrible cover (you could tell an Australian album cover at the time, they would generally look like a Mambo version of an Aboriginal dot painting). Being the biggest selling album of 1989. Becoming so popular that radio stations attempted to gain ratings by promising not to play it’s songs (this followed on from a similarly successful anti-Kylie Minogue campaign).

And because it featured hits. Hits like “Compulsory Hero”, an anti-war song that was overly sentimental, even by anti-war song standards. “Khe Sahn” and “I Was Only 19” had already covered the “what wars – and their aftermath – are actually like” angle, so “Compulsory Hero” could just take for granted that the craziness of war was a foregone conclusion, and create a G-rated war song.

And of course “If I Could” in which they crammed as many lovey-dovey clichés as possible into the one song, made themselves sound like a wedding band, and filmed the video in a country chapel, with quaint results.

This reissue went got No.11 on iTunes for a single day. By the end of the week it had disappeared off the Top 100. I really don’t know what to make of this. A very passionate, but limited, cult following for soft-rock?

I should point out that this is far from a definitive list of “so bad it’s good” Australian 80s pop moments. In fact, I’d like you to imagine a definitive list. Now, imagine the exact opposite. That’s what this is. Some of the songs are actually good. Some of the songs are so bad they are good. Some of the songs I honestly don’t know which category in which to place them.

Because of this, songs are listed in a roughly chronological order.



Divinyls – Boys In Town

I really wanted to keep this list down to “bad” songs. But then I thought “I should have some Divinyls.” Then I thought, “but I actually like the Divinyls and not in an ironic sense.” Then I decided that occasionally (not often, but enough to matter) I get read by people who I do not know and who are therefore most likely not Australian, and those people only know the Divinyls for “I Touch Myself.” And I decided that if one foreign ear could be saved and realize that there was more to the Divinyls than “I Touch Myself” then my job here is done.

Basically (and you’d probably have figured this much out from listening to “I Touch Myself” quite frankly) lead singer Chrissie Amphlett had largely based her art on being a woman who had been around, loved too much, and had been left dumped on humanities emotion trash-heap. A white Antipodean Tina Turner.

And in “Boys In Town” – a lament about being a slut, about living in a small town, and (particularly) about being a slut living in a small town – the Divinyls created something for sluts around the country to treasure and stick to their bedroom wall, in poster form, with blu-tack. And – as a final reference that only Australians will understand – creating the basis for Kylie Mole (please forgive me for not putting “So Excellent” in this list).

Australian Crawl - Reckless

I don’t know whether all that talk about not being able to understand what James Reyne singing was just hype to get him on a D-Generation record, or if just the fact that in the meantime – what with Kurt Cobain and rap music – we’ve had to tune our ears more carefully to catch lyrics, but listening to this now, I can pretty much understand every word. I must let you know however that understanding what the words are helps little in understanding what the words mean. What exactly is the connection between the Manly Ferry and Burke & Wills? And does it matter, since half of the genius of the song is that it is probably the most slow motion song ever recorded.



Koo De Tah – Too Young For Promises

Australian/Kiwi band tries to impersonate Madonna/Cyndi Lauper – both of whom were rather big at the time – and succeed brilliantly, down to the hiccupping “oh oh”s and the oversized jewellery. In economic this is called “import replacement” is it typically a waste of time. This song isn’t. Its ability to depict commitment-avoidance as a valid lifestyle choice, and commitment-phobes as heroes, is powerful enough that it could be used if you find yourself on a hen’s night and you need to convince the hen that she really shouldn’t be marrying this guy.


Real Life – Send Me An Angel

I was once cornered by some bogan who totally tried to convince me that Real Life were the inventors of techno, and that this song was a cornerstone (he may not have used the word “cornerstone”). This, quite patently, was utter rubbish (it was Gary Numan wasn’t it?) . But it clearly has a plus in pop music history, as Australia’s best contribution to the New Romantic Movement, up there, and perhaps even above, Duran Duran and Flock Of Seagulls “I Ran”, a position they deserve purely due to the two 80s synth drum rolls (at 2:33 and 3:28, so watch out for them).

The chorus itself outlines the power of the song. “Send me an angel” it begs, capturing hope and believe and other such emotions. “Right now!” it demands capturing desperation and the impatience of youth.

The combination is genius.

Kids In The Kitchen – Change In Mood

Only slightly under Real Life, in the best Australian attempt at gate crashing the New Romantic Movement, Kids In The Kitchen seem to be operating in a vortex somewhere in the midst of Duran Duran, Tears For Fears and U2. The way that Scott Carne stretches out each word and each note far longer than would seem sensible, whilst the band zooms along, is very very Bono (should he ever have had a change of heart and joined Bronski Beat). Real Life may have given Australia a great pop song, but Kids In The Kitchen gave us the essence of a great pop moment.



Mondo Rock – Come Said The Boy

When this song became a hit in 1984, Ross Wilson was 37. I might be a little conservative, but isn’t that just a little too old to be singing about teenagers losing their virginity. You don’t think it’s just a little bit dodgy? I’m not suggesting that Ross Wilson is a toolie exactly, but come on dude, that’s just not cool.



Models – Out Of Mind Out Of Sight

It generally sounds bad when you say that your favorite part of a song is the end. It’s kind of like saying that your favorite bits of an album were the silent spaces between the songs (which was quite a common joke back in the days when people bought albums). In the case of the Models “Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight,” this is not the way I mean it at all. But how can you top James Freud going “gonna keep my body…. tight!” in the breathless voice that he does. I still don’t understand what it means, and I’m totally heterosexual, but that’s totally hot.



Wa Wa Nee – Stimulation

Australians have always consumed a lot of dance music, but have never been particularly good at making it. The 2000s has seen some improvement on that score: the Avalanches and the Class of 2007 (Cut Copy, Presets, Midnight Juggernaughts, Muscles) but, as has often been said, Australia is a “rock oriented” country, and Australia’s approach to making dance – particularly bubble gum dance – has suffered as a result (unless of course it was soap opera connected), since there was always the possibility of someone in the recording studio saying “you know mate, this song would be vastly improved by a blistering guitar solo.”

I’m working on a theory to explain this, and it needs a little work, and I’ll explain it at a later date, but essentially it boils down to the following (a) a lack of a significant bass-friendly immigrant group (hopefully the Sudanese can help us out with that) and (b) the consequent over-reliance on gay culture to provide our “roots” (I don’t think I’m being overly homophobic if I suggest that any scene whose biggest export is Bz feat. Joanne’s “Jackie” is not one worth treasuring).

The genius of Wa Wa Nee was that they totally ignored the ramifications of being Australian, with absolutely no rock-ness at all, instead basing their appeal on getting a Dolly model to dance in their video. The only concession to being Australian Wa Wa Nee did for this single, was wear a wife-beater and have a mullet (and the wife-beater was pink).




Jenny Morris – You I Know

It’s fair to assume that your attitude to Jenny is hampered by her catalogue of average-ness. “Break In The Water” = trash. “She Has To Be Loved” = okay if you are in the mood for a tango, but often does that happen? “Saved Me” was an … um… interesting attempt at fusing middle of the road adult contemporary pop with world music.

Which leaves us with two genuinely classic rock singles. “You’re Gonna Get Hurt” (in which Jenny goes all Pat Benetar on our ass) and “You I Know” where she gets kind of philosophical. The former was written by Andrew Farris from INXS. The later by Neil Finn. So it basically comes down to INXS vs. Crowded House. I have made my decision.




Choirboys – Run To Paradise

The pinnacle of OzPubRock, seemingly based on the concept that since at OzPubRock gigs the second most popular activity, after picking a fight with someone, was to drink beer, that a song that captured the essence of a beer commercial would be a sure-fire hit. And just to make doubly sure – because OzPubRock was a dangerous game and punters often threw beer bottles at the stage if they thought the band might be poofters – writing a chorus that sounds like an AFL team song. Genius!




Noiseworks – Touch

Australians often get passionate about Noiseworks. One girl – I can’t remember her name, but she has googly eyes – I can not bump into with out pointing out that she and the guitarist are on a nodding-to basis! To a certain extent this passion appears quite pathetic, as indeed it is. On another level, you can understand why. Is there any note of this song that is not in some way life-affirming? The piano intro - “din dink-dink dink dink din dink-dink din” – the way every chord change is played as though it means something crucial to your understanding of the meaning of life, to the chorus about reaching out and touching somebody which is so much more worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama.

“Hot Chilli Woman” is still rubbish though.



Pseudo Echo – Over Tomorrow

This song should be shit. It was after all the song that took Pseudo Echo all the way to bottom of the charts, and down into the dumper forever. That it was able to do this (a) after almost a decade of quite consistent pop chart hits as Australia’s version of Kajagoogoo (because clearly we needed that), and (b) only two years after their biggest hit, their everything-but-the-kitchen-sink version of “Funky Town”, is quite an achievement, and was achieved via the most misguided change in direction in pop music history (up there at least with New Kids On The Block attempts at transforming themselves into a hard-core rap posse). Pseudo Echo in 1989, decided that it might be a good idea to transform themselves into a power-ballad armed hair metal band (their dedication to this concept was enough for them to don a leather jacket in the video and get their drummer to take off his t-shirt, but not enough to get rid of the keytars). The world, sadly, was not ready for this. However now I think the songs time has come. Galvatrons. Take note.





Johnny Diesel & The Injectors – Don't Need Love

I am certain that at one point in his youth, Johnny Diesel (if that really was his name) found himself in front of a youth career counselor who asked him “what do you want to be when you grow up?” and Johnny answered, “I want to be Jimmy Barnes.” Everything that Jimmy did, so did Johnny (only with a quiff and better biceps). Scream with a bourboned throaty voice. Check. Make a “soul” album. Check. He even got married to Jimmy Barnes' wife's sister. Does that count as stalking?


Collette – Ring My Bell

Following the success of Wa Wa Nee in having a Dolly model all over their video (probably more than the actual band members) the next logical step was clearly to find another Dolly model, give her some flouro bike pants. “Ring My Bell” was actually quite good (yes, really, no sarcastic quote marks) large due to (a) being a cover, thereby reducing the need for talent and (b) the “squiggly” acid house bass line that was very “in” at the time (this was courtesy of Pee Wee Ferris who became quite a famous DJ and interviewers quite never seem to bring up his Collette connection in their interview, which either says a lot about the politeness of Australian music journalists or their lack of research and hard hitting questions). Unfortunately she got excited about the idea of being a pop star and actually started writing songs, including “All I Wanna Do Is Dance” which put Smash Hits magazine in a difficult position of giving her a god-awful review whilst at the same time needing her on the cover in order to access the otherwise hard to reach pervy teenage boys market.




Paul Norton – Stuck On You

A tale of being a rock’n’roll rebel. Not selling any records (or to be pedantic selling only 54 records). Being wanted by the police. Saying “damn” a lot (fun fact: my mother hated the way he sung the word “damn” and would tut “I don’t think I like this song. Why don’t they write nice songs anymore?” whenever it was on the radio.) And then he puts in a chorus about being “stuck on you” (assumedly a girl) which has nothing to do with the rest of the song, but is just put in there because it’s commercial. Which – lucky for Paul – meant that this record sold more than 54.

Success went to his head however and he tried to write a new Australian national anthem. Everybody exhaled and they rolled their eyes in unison.




Ian Moss – Tuckers Daughter

Probably the sexiest moment of OzRock in which the man with the stupid frizzy hair from Cold Chisel (whom, many people swear should have been the lead singer of Cold Chisel, which is of course just stupid) does his own “Son Of A Preacher Man” as “Daughter of Farm Owner’s Daughter” (except that Ian decides not to sleep with her, which he decides to portray as a manly being master of his domaininity whereas clearly he is just scared of being fired). Clichés therefore abound (including some random lyrics about the “hot sun” just to remind you that it is set in Outback Australia) about spoilt brats, and a whole lot of romanticism conveniently ignoring the fact that most farmers daughters look like skanks and nothing like the girl in video.




Gyan – Wait

Probably better than you remember. Gyan was directly aimed at the “mothers” market (possibly in an attempt to find a female John Farnham) and was perfect for listening to whilst picking up your kids from school. Its success no doubt lead to the signing of the rather more annoying Wendy Matthews (for the “grandmother” market) and Deborah Conway (for the “slightly wacky mother who smokes pot” market).




Boom Crash Opera – Dancing In The Storm

There are a surprising number of great Boom Crash Opera singles, even if they are based on the concept of the INXS that pubs could book whenever INXS were busy on a world tour (Dale Ryder stole both Michael Hutchence’s vocal mannerisms and hair cut). But they did a damn good job with that concept. “The Best Thing” is exciting and has a nice chiming guitar riff. “Get Out Of The House” is a great piece of “grab onto your life and don’t let go”-ness. But “Dancing In The Storm” is the masterpiece. It’s in the cute little guitar strumming at the beginning. And these boys really know how to work a chorus: “Here We Gooo!” BAM!!!!!






John Farnham and Danielle – Communication

This is how the Australian Government fought drugs in the 80s. With every mother’s favorite pop star and some nobody singing the most patronizing song of all time.

Things that were wrong with this approach (note: this is not a complete list)

(a) it is entirely possible that no John Farnham fan has ever taken drugs (even though being toasted whilst listening to “Whispering Jack” is one of life’s lesser known pleasures). Of course Nick Cave and Michael Hutchence were both in rehab at the time, so they were limited to who was available.

(b) cliché overload is never a good strategy. Cue video featuring kid smashing fist into wall (through a poster of Sylvester Stallone. Oh the 80s symbolism)

(c) “He was the one who spiked his hair/ and missed a lot of school.” Nice way to typecast your school mates.

“Hey dude. Nice spikey hair. Hey, you weren’t at school yesterday.”
“I was down with the flu.”
“I think you were down with a bit of horse. A bit of H.”
“Ah… what?”
“Dude, I think you have a drug problem.”
“But all I had was a cough lolly.”
“I’m calling the police.”

(d) Just the whole over-simplification of the issue, and the idea that the answer to drug abuse is… talking.




Indecent Obsession – Tell Me Something

The number of brilliantly dayglo 80s moments in this song/video (this is a boy band after all, there is no way of separating the audio from the visual) is numerous. The fact that they are totally keytarded! David Dixon’s polka shirt shirt! The single second cut to a copy of Smash Hits (oh Smash Hits magazine, why did you have to go?)! David Dixon’s brilliant “sexy” voice in the verses, contrasted to the desperate try-hardness of the chorus. If the 80s hadn’t ended in 1989 they could have become the biggest band in the world (instead of just South Africa). They must totally hate Kurt Cobain.

The "If I Ruled The World Top 20" Of September 2009

1, Little Boots – Remedy (up from No.4!)

Being Australia I always felt as though I missed out, in never being part of the studio audience for Top Of The Pops. And now they’ve canned it and so it shall never be. But that is okay, because now I’ve seen Little Boots in concert and it’s like all my bubblegum pop dreams have come true. So thank you Little Boots, and here is a Number One on my chart.

You did so much better at Parklife on Saturday than La Roux did. Obviously I like La Roux. Obviously the cute lesbian girl behind me who was singing along to ever word loved La Roux too (she did a very good job I must say, got all the inflections right and everything). In fact there was a great deal of singing along at La Roux. If you haven’t heard a entire crowd full of thousands of people going “la la la” to the synth line of “In For The Kill” then you just haven’t lived. And of course, her hair – clearly the most important part of any La Roux review – was in perfect condition, and I don’t think even a strand fell out of place of the perfect pyramid that was on the top of her head.

But Little Boots! That was something else. Yes, you are clearly playing at being a pop star, and I can tell that you are sad that you never got to play on Top Of The Pops either. And you’ll never have the chance to be on the cover of Smash Hits magazine. And maybe you are sad about that, I don’t know. All I know is that in the years of going to concerts, I have seen many pop stars trying to get the crowd to clap. But I’ve never seen anyone clap so sexy. Little Boots makes clapping sexy! Not to mention chipmunk teeth. She makes them sexy as well.

Like La Roux, Little Boots also seems to have a thing for pyramids (apparently if you put an apple inside of a pyramid it never goes rotten. I learnt this at Shonen Knife last week!). But even Little Boots can’t made pyramids sexy.

2. The Big Pink – Dominos (steady at No.2!)

A contender for the most anthemic chorus of the year (made of course even more anthemic due to the complete over-use of the reverb button) perfect for shouting with your fist in the air in a very “woo hoo! I feel heavy metal! Woo hoo!” kind of way. And whilst you are waiting for the chorus to come around to get excited about again, there’s a decent slab of weirdness – I think they are aiming for the sound of a chewed up cassette, an almost forgotten sound of the eighties - thrown in just to keep you entertained.

You also have to love the name of the band. The Big Pink. It’s both grandiose, and kind of wimpy, all in three little words. As is the song – possibly more grandiose and nerdy actually, but you get the idea - named as it is after my favourite time-wasting activity of my childhood. They used to show these feats of domino daring on “That’s Incredible” all the time, and the people who made them, they were heroes to me. So now I am happy that I can find a similar level of excitement and wonder, at this example of arena geek-pop.

3. Karen O and the Kids – All Is Love (down from No.1!)

So far I have been able to resist the giddy excitement everyone appears to be feeling about the “Where The Wild Things Are” movie. I read the book the other day, and I’m sorry, but it was shit, and I want my two minutes back. The kid gets sent to his room, imagines that he sails to an island, meets some monsters, they dance, he gets bored, he goes home. That’s what passes for children’s literature these days?

This tune however - which sounds exactly like you’d expect Karen O and bunch of kids, doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, to sound like – is getting me excited. If you like the concept of Karen O and bunch of kids doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, then you’ll love this heart breaking work of staggering genius.

The only potentially sad side-effect of it, is that it may put The Grates out of work. Given that Patience is now appearing on game shows maybe it already has.

4. The xx – Teardrops (up from No.5!)

I quite like The xx. They are a nice little band, and they have a rather nice sound that no-one seems to be able to quite nail down in words – I’ve heard descriptions of their influences ranging from modern R&B to the greatest 80s post-punk-twee band Young Marble Giants – but if one thing is clear, it is that they capture the very essence of “awkward shyness” – even if they do sing about sex it is assumedly awkward sex – and it always a good thing for a band to capture an emotion. So shy they are, that they don’t even use a drum kit. That would be too in your face. They use a drum pad (don’t ask me the brand or model, I don’t know, I don’t care) that they tap with their fingers.

The sad thing is though that they can not write a decent song. I have listened to their album several times and as of yet I can’t find any that are jumping out at me with their brilliance. The album is a lovely journey, but there is a distinct lack of “Big Things” worth stopping the car for, taking a photo, buying a Coke and sending off some postcards.

Thank God therefore, for cover versions. This is the old Womack and Womack song!

When this song first came out in 1988, I hated it. The woman had an annoying voice, and she had stupid glasses (and the video was terrible, just a bunch of ugly old people singing). Also I was a 13 year old boy, so if you weren’t Poison or Transvision Vamp I just didn’t give a damn. But a zillion cover and remixes versions later, it is hard to ignore that when it comes to nostalgia, when it’s come to capturing the feeling of confusion and awkwardness often felt whilst on the dancefloor, this song is hard to beat. And when it is being sung by some pasty indie kids with a chiming guitars – one of the best sounds to capture aching awkwardness – then that really is something special. This lot do it with more emphasis on the nostalgic “remind me baby of you” side, than just the “footsteps on the dancefloor.” If only I knew this 20 years ago.

5. Speech DeBelle – Go Then Bye (up from No.11!)

Not to be confused with Speech from Arrested Development, due to at least two factors. (a) she’s a girl. (b) she’s British. Other than those two little details though the confusion is understandable, since she more or less ploughs the same hippyish “why can’t we all just love each other” vibe, and I keep on waiting for her to purr a rhyme like “this goes to Africa/ that’s my mother land.” Also because they both have that same jazzy good vibes on the organic tip thang going on.

And in case you don’t know, she just won the Mercury Music Prize, probably because they like their award to go to zeitgeist capturers, and nothing captures the zeitgeist better than break-up/love rap songs with lines about Facebook (“I can’t see your face on Facebook/ because we’re not friends on Facebook”). Additional mad props for managing to deliver that line without bursting into a smile.

6. Ladyhawke – Magic (re-entry!)

I’m pretty sure I put this in my chart like six-months ago or something, but apparently it’s actually been released as a single now – to the extent that things like single-releases actually matter in a world where you can buy whatever individual song you want on iTunes whether it is an official single or not and album tracks are making the Top 40 without any effort at all on behalf of the record company – and there is a video too! Avoid the video however, because the general consensus is that it is shit. The general consensus, in this case, is correct.

The song itself starts off with the best, short, brief, simple “one, two” drum roll ever. So good in fact, that this pretty much turns into the main hook-line of the song. This means that you need to be prepared for much clapping on the dance floor. I often try to start a clapping game, or some co-ordinated high-fiving in circumstances such as this, but people keep on fucking it up. But I have warned you now, so be aware, and be ready for when it happens. You know who you are and you have been warned.

7. Chew Lips – Salt Air (up from No.14!)

Possibly the best electro song of all time is “Destroy Everything You Touch” by Ladytron (possibly it’s The Knife’s “Heartbeats”, possibly it’s something else) because it’s an angry dancing song that brings to mind the angry dancing scene in Footloose. But with robots! I like robots (see below).

This is almost as good. It’s almost as dangerous. And maybe it’s not angry as such, maybe just a bit miffed, but they are getting drunk and they are crashing cars, so it kind of screams attitude. It also screams catchy as fuck and full of utter choonage.

8. Florence & The Machine – Kiss With A Fist (down from No.4!)

Whilst this is not the first song to be about the "joys" of domestic violence, and it’s connection to love and great sex - The Crystals got in first with “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)” way way back in the 60s - this shit never stops being disturbing. Even more so in the case of Florence since the whole thing is so much FUN! (it would be interesting to see if this get’s played at the indie disco’s, and even more interesting to see if people get a bit too carried away – I am suspecting there will be a lot of pussy little baby punches. On the arm.) There’s hardly a moment that isn’t exciting, whether its Florence’s one-second-shy-&-coy, and the next-second-Courtney-Love vocal journey or the drummer beating the shit out of the drums.

9. Girls – Lust For Life (new entry!)

It’s a bit early, and I’m sure that Melbourne weather will do what Melbourne weather always does about this time of year, and that is, after tempting us with some sporadic sun, turning to shit again until Christmas. However, this is my early tip for feel good hit of the summer.

Reasons for this include. It’s a song about being dissatisfied, and if you read the lyric sheet (“I wish I had a boyfriend/ I wish I had a loving man in my life” – which is going to lead to endless and pointless arguments about whether he is gay or just pretending to be a girl. The band’s name is Girls. Does that mean anything? I don’t know *head explodes*) you’d think “shut up and stop whining about it. Do what your mother always told you to do and go out in the sun and play. Go and do some cartwheels in a park or something.” And that is exactly what this song sounds like! It sounds like a soundtrack to doing cartwheels in a park (or rolling down a hill, or playing in a inflatable toddler pool, or kicking in someone’s sandcastle – I originally wrote building the sandcastle, but then I realized that it is the kicking it in that is much more fun).

10. Royskopp feat. Robyn – The Girl And The Robot (new entry!)

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to like this tune. I love Royskopp. I love Robyn. I quite like both girls and robots (both have their uses). I guess some songs just sound better if you are working out on an exercise bike when you hear them.

11. Jay-Z (feat. Alicia Keyes) – Empire State Of Mind (new entry!)

This song is about New York.

Jay-Z says he’s “the new Sinatra” and paraphrases another song about New York. In fact, Jay-Z seems to be in a competition with Frank about who likes New York more. That’s right. After seeing Nas and Mos Def off (although seemingly deciding to take a surprisingly pragmatic “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” approach to Kanye) Jay-Z seems to have decided to go head to head with Frank Sinatra. And I think Jay-Z might actually be winning.

Do you ever think that New Yorkers might like their city a little bit too much? Just a thought.

12. I Heart Hiroshima – Shakeytown (up from No.16!)

Included for a number of reasons, the main ones being:

(a) They supported Shonen Knife, although one suspects this was largely because of their name.

(b) Because I feel guilty about the fact that whenever I’ve seen the drummer/lead singer/only-member-with-any-charisma I’ve mistaken her for a guy (consider it the Le Tigre syndrome). Which is slightly better than my impression when I saw her drumming, which was that she was a monkey. I mean that as a compliment.

13. Los Campensinos! - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future (new entry!)

Nobody – well, maybe Ben Gibbard – does emo poetry quite like Los Campensinos! When they are happy they rant about dancing in the fountain. When they are heart broken they say stuff like “I invented you/ and I can destroy you.” And when they feel like being arty rock-snobs and start name dropping bands and record labels in songs, it a good idea if you have a computer nearby so you can look up what they are talking about on Pitchfork.

So when they decide to do one of those dreary story of someone’s crappy life, like The Smiths and tones of other 80s bands were so good at doing, you know that this is going to be an all powerful drear-fest. I think they even sample the clunking drum from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumours.” That is pretty damned dreary.

Every Los Campensinos! tune has an OMG that’s the best lyric eva! moment. For this song that lyric might be “you can never kiss a Tory boy without wanting to cut out your tongue.” Word.

14. Metric – Gimme Sympathy(new entry!)

Otherwise known as the song that asks “Who’d you rather be: The Beatles Or The Rolling Stones?”

The Beatles.

Definitely The Beatles.

15. Dizzee Rascal – Holiday (down from No.6!)

For all the annoying things about “Bonkers” – and there were plenty weren’t there? – was the lack of truly classic lines. If Dizzee is going to capture the essence of early 90s tacky rap - which is clearly what he's aiming for with his new stuff - he needs to deliver lines like “my anaconda don’t want none if you aint got buns hun” or “wax a chump like a candle.”

He also needs to compete with “Dance Wiv Me”s rhyming slang filled rhymes, and just general choon-ness.

And if that weren’t enough pressure, Dizzee also needs to compete with new upstart Tinchy Stryder, who seems to be having UK Number One’s with songs that are just way too HUGE for their own good.

Despite all of this pressure, the dude is having FUN! And he does come up with a decent lot of good, rascally and entirely lovable rhymes. My personal favourite being:

“I know you're really busy and I know you've got plans
But are you really too busy for a sun tan?”

This is a WIN!

16. Annie – Songs Remind Me Of You (down from No.4!)

Thank God for Scandinavia that’s all I can say. Or else where would the Gen X music lover be. That section of our Generation who have decided, god-dammit, just because I’m practically middle aged now, I’m not going to stop listening to pop music! I’m not going to start listening to classic rock stations!

However these people do need pop stars their own age. And not just Madonna, or Kylie, because that’s just passé, and these people… they need to think they are cutting edge, and down with THE NOW! They need new pop stars! You can see these people hanging around in the corner at parties trying to get people enthused about the latest HOT single, and feeling sad that people just don't seem to understand.

And record companies just don’t seem to understand this market either. Fellow Scandinavian Robyn had to start her own record label, in order to release possibly the greatest bubblegum pop album of the century so far. That’s so unfair. It's the pop star version of being forced into exile.

In Annie’s case, it’s not so tough, but one does get the feeling, that at the beginning of the career, she was sitting in front of a record company boss who was saying to her “You want to be a pop star? You’re kidding me right? You’re like… over 20!”

You always get these interviews with new pop stars, describing how they felt the first time they heard themselves on the radio. “I was like in the car, with my Mum, because I’m not allowed to drive, so Mum has to like drive me like everywhere, which is so lame. And then the song came on… and I just went like SPAZZZ!!!” (This may sound a little too 80s, but that seems kind of appropriate for Annie)

That’s not what this song is about. It’s about the dangers of having songs you share with special people, and then they haunt you for the rest of your life. That is deep. Songs about “radios”. Well that’s just so 1980s – obviously Annie is an 80s kind of girl, but still – and why would you write a song about a dying media.

17. Florence and the Machine – You’ve Got The Love (new entry!)

Not an awful lot different from the original – which was a house anthem from the early 90s and very very awesome– (other than the fact that it features “real” instruments) but Florence does it so well, and with so much energy, and she just nails it. It’s like one of those magical moments that Idol fans live for.

18. Shonen Knife – Super Group (down from No.10!)

Twentysongs is very excited. We have some special guests in the studio, to introduce their new single. Shonen Knife, tell us about your new single.

Shonen Knife: Domo arigato gozaimasu. Thank you very much. Ah. We have new album. It is called… Super Group. This is single. Did you know that some groups are super? Yes? This is true. This song is about group. That is super. It’s called … SUPAGROOP!!!!!

19. Drake – Best I Ever Had (new entry!)

This bitch (yo Fleur wassup?) put this link on my wall about a month ago, saying you got to put this in your Top 20. It was, not this song, but Jeremih’s “Birthday Sex.” I said no. I may have been a bit derisive about it. Sorry about that. It was all a bit too … how can I put this… Craig David-y.

Consider this then as a bit of a consolation.

It’s pretty much got the same selling points as Jeremih’s a little bit nasty “I’m gonna make your pussy whistle/ like the Andy Griffiths theme song”, a little bit nice “You can have my heart/ or we can share it like the last slice” and a chorus which is just the fucking best.

20. Mumford & Sons – Little Lion Man (new entry!)

Mumford & Sons is such a cute little name. It makes you think they are a lolly shop. “Little Lion Man” is a cute name for a song too. It’s what some-one called Mumford might call you as a nickname when you are buying your weekly lollies (if, for example, you hadn’t had a haircut in some time). And they say “fuck” a lot, and swearing is always cuter when it’s in a hard to identify accent (Is it Scottish? Is it Irish? Is it Welsh? Cor blimey, apparently it’s just London. But it’s supposed to olde London, like this is what the Baker Street Irregulars would have been like when they grew up)

The "If I Ruled The World Top 20" Of Now!

1. Karen O and the Kids – All Is Love (up from No.5!)

So far I have been able to resist the giddy excitement everyone appears to be feeling about the “Where The Wild Things Are” movie. I read the book the other day, and I’m sorry, but it was shit, and I want my two minutes back. The kid gets sent to his room, imagines that he sails to an island, meets some monsters, they dance, he gets bored, he goes home. That’s what passes for children’s literature these days?

This tune however - which sounds exactly like you’d expect Karen O and bunch of kids, doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, to sound like – is getting me excited. If you like the concept of Karen O and bunch of kids doing a soundtrack for a children’s story book, then you’ll love this heart breaking work of staggering genius.

The only potentially sad side-effect of it, is that it may put The Grates out of work. Given that Patience is now appearing on game shows maybe it already has.


2. The Big Pink – Dominos (up from No.11!)

A contender for the most anthemic chorus of the year (made of course even more anthemic due to the complete over-use of the reverb button) perfect for shouting with your fist in the air in a very “woo hoo! I feel heavy metal! Woo hoo!” kind of way. And whilst you are waiting for the chorus to come around to get excited about again, there’s a decent slab of weirdness – I think they are aiming for the sound of a chewed up cassette, an almost forgotten sound of the eighties - thrown in just to keep you entertained.

You also have to love the name of the band. The Big Pink. It’s both grandiose, and kind of wimpy, all in three little words. As is the song – possibly more grandiose and nerdy actually, but you get the idea - named as it is after my favourite time-wasting activity of my childhood. They used to show these feats of domino daring on “That’s Incredible” all the time, and the people who made them, they were heroes to me. So now I am happy that I can find a similar level of excitement and wonder, at this example of arena geek-pop.

Sadly they are probably not the most interesting looking bands of all time, but you can't have everything.

3. The xx – Teardrops (up from No.7!)

It’s the old Womack and Womack song! By the latest “it” band. I’m slightly excited about this.

When this song first came out in 1988, I hated it. The woman had an annoying voice, and she had stupid glasses (and the video was terrible, just a bunch of ugly old people singing). Also I was a 13 year old boy, so if you weren’t Poison or Transvision Vamp I just didn’t give a damn. But a zillion cover and remixes versions later, it is hard to ignore that when it comes to nostalgia, when it’s come to capturing the feeling of confusion and awkwardness often felt whilst on the dancefloor, this song is hard to beat. And when it is being sung by some pasty indie kids with a chiming guitars – one of the best sounds to capture aching awkwardness – then that really is something special. This lot do it with more emphasis on the nostalgic “remind me baby of you” side, than just the “footsteps on the dancefloor.” If only I knew this 20 years ago.

4 .Little Boots – Remedy (up from No.6!)

In the La Roux vs. Little Boots debate, things are looking bad for Little Boots. Songs just not doing that good, so-so reviews, and the music world is scratching their collective heads, at what has gone wrong, and why La Roux have gone so right. I mean, Little Boots is like … hot. She’s blonde! She makes the synthesizer look sexy!

Elly (La Roux) on the other hand, to quote a friend of mine, “looks like a dehydrated, white grace jones.” I’m not sure if he meant that as a good or a bad thing. But I suspect that La would consider it the highest of compliments.

So what is a girl to do, but make the very best record she can, and …um… remedy the situation by being absolutely awesome. By being dark (all the evil sounding synth sounds in verses, the talk of predators and so on) and light (the huge chorus, in which she fights all this gloominess by dancing, which admittedly may not be the most original song topic of all time) all in the same song. And if this doesn’t work, well she can always turn synthesizers into sex objects.

I do wish I was a synthesizer right now.

5. Florence & The Machine – Kiss With A Fist (down from No.2!)

Whilst this is not the first song to be about the "joys" of domestic violence, and it’s connection to love and great sex - The Crystals got in first with “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)” way way back in the 60s - this shit never stops being disturbing. Even more so in the case of Florence since the whole thing is so much FUN! (it would be interesting to see if this get’s played at the indie disco’s, and even more interesting to see if people get a bit too carried away – I am suspecting there will be a lot of pussy little baby punches. On the arm.) There’s hardly a moment that isn’t exciting, whether its Florence’s one-second-shy-&-coy, and the next-second-Courtney-Love vocal journey or the drummer beating the shit out of the drums.

6. Annie – Songs Remind Me Of You (down from No.4!)

Thank God for Scandinavia that’s all I can say. Or else where would the Gen X music lover be. That section of our Generation who have decided, god-dammit, just because I’m practically middle aged now, I’m not going to stop listening to pop music! I’m not going to start listening to classic rock stations!

However these people do need pop stars their own age. And not just Madonna, or Kylie, because that’s just passé, and these people… they need to think they are cutting edge, and down with THE NOW! They need new pop stars! You can see these people hanging around in the corner at parties trying to get people enthused about the latest HOT single, and feeling sad that people just don't seem to understand.

And record companies just don’t seem to understand this market either. Fellow Scandinavian Robyn had to start her own record label, in order to release possibly the greatest bubblegum pop album of the century so far. That’s so unfair. It's the pop star version of being forced into exile.

In Annie’s case, it’s not so tough, but one does get the feeling, that at the beginning of the career, she was sitting in front of a record company boss who was saying to her “You want to be a pop star? You’re kidding me right? You’re like… over 20!”

You always get these interviews with new pop stars, describing how they felt the first time they heard themselves on the radio. “I was like in the car, with my Mum, because I’m not allowed to drive, so Mum has to like drive me like everywhere, which is so lame. And then the song came on… and I just went like SPAZZZ!!!” (This may sound a little too 80s, but that seems kind of appropriate for Annie)

That’s not what this song is about. It’s about the dangers of having songs you share with special people, and then they haunt you for the rest of your life. That is deep. Songs about “radios”. Well that’s just so 1980s – obviously Annie is an 80s kind of girl, but still – and why would you write a song about a dying media.

7. Dizzee Rascal – Holiday (up from No.9!)

For all the annoying things about “Bonkers” – and there were plenty weren’t there? – was the lack of truly classic lines. If Dizzee is going to capture the essence of early 90s tacky rap - which is clearly what he's aiming for with his new stuff - he needs to deliver lines like “my anaconda don’t want none if you aint got buns hun” or “wax a chump like a candle.”

He also needs to compete with “Dance Wiv Me”s rhyming slang filled rhymes, and just general choon-ness.

And if that weren’t enough pressure, Dizzee also needs to compete with new upstart Tinchy Stryder, who seems to be having UK Number One’s with songs that are just way too HUGE for their own good.

Despite all of this pressure, the dude is having FUN! And he does come up with a decent lot of good, rascally and entirely lovable rhymes. My personal favourite being:

“I know you're really busy and I know you've got plans
But are you really too busy for a sun tan?”

This is a WIN!

8. The Pains Of Being Pure Of Heart – Stay Alive (up from No.11)

If you only buy one distorted-wall-of-sound-guitar-drenched-with-sweetly-shy-vocals-peaking-out-from-behind,-by-the-type-of-kids-who-wear-scarves-even-in-the-middle-of-summer album this year, do make it The Pains Of Being Pure Of Heart by The Pains Of Being Pure Of Heart.

I was going to nominate “Come Saturday” because I think it’s a party song, but I’m not sure, it might be one of those party sounding songs about not partying – you know, like “The Song Formerly Known As !” – but my internet connection is too slow tonight for me to bother checking the lyrics. So I’m going with “Stay Alive” because of the prettiness of the opening guitar bit, and the bit before the chorus where it sounds as though they want to go all Nirvana guitar smashing on our arse, but then chicken out.

9. Ellie Goulding – Starry Eyed (down from No.2!)

One of the happiest little rays of sunshine to come into the world for some time. The kind of joyous song that makes you release that life really is great. I suggest to any therapists out there, that if you are dealing with a severely depressed patient, considering suicide: play them this song. It may just pull them back from the edge.

What makes it, is the breathless and giddy excitement in Ellie’s voice - made even more breathless and giddy when she sings “oh oh oh ah ah” (when it reaches almost Bjork level’s of giddy, ie greater than plutonium strength giddiness) or sings about “burst(ing) into colours and carousels” – and fact that it’s almost a terrible 90s Eurodance thing, but it’s sooo not.

10. Shonen Knife – Super Group (new entry!)

Twentysongs is very excited. We have some special guests in the studio, to introduce their new single. Shonen Knife, tell us about your new single.

Shonen Knife: Domo arigato gozaimasu. Thank you very much. Ah. We have new album. It is called… Super Group. This is single. Did you know that some groups are super? Yes? This is true. This song is about group. That is super. It’s called … SUPER GROUP!!!!!





11. Speech DeBelle – Go Then Bye (new entry!)

Not to be confused with Speech from Arrested Development, due to at least two factors. (a) she’s a girl. (b) she’s British. Other than those two little details though the confusion is understandable, since she more or less ploughs the same hippyish “why can’t we all just love each other” vibe, and I keep on waiting for her to purr a rhyme like “this goes to Africa/ that’s my mother land.” Also because they both have that same jazzy good vibes on the organic tip thang going on.

Just won the Mercury Music Prize, probably because they like their award to go to zeitgeist capturers, such as break-up/love rap songs with lines about Facebook.

“I can’t see your face on Facebook/ because we’re not friends on Facebook”

Also because vulnerablism is not the easiest emotion to express in rap music (it being mostly about being tough and awesome)

12. La Roux – Bulletproof (down from No.7!)

As the “omg she has such an annoying voice! lol” backlash reaches fever pitch – and always a good sign, all the greats have had them - La Roux’s pillaging of the eighties takes a turn towards the tacky, and slightly less obvious. “In For The Kill” was “Sweet Dreams”. “Quicksand” was “When Doves Cry”. EVERYONE rips off those songs (and rightfully so, they are good songs). “Bulletproof” is Bananarama on a day when all three of them have their periods and Stock Aitken Waterman’s coffee machine is broken. Who would have thunk it?

On the downside it has now been announced that the next single shall be the wimpy ballad “As If By Magic” – record companies are so predictable and such spoil sports. You can just read their minds “We’ve had three bangers, so now we need one to bring the easy-listening radio stations onto the bandwagon.” Fine, but couldn’t it have been “Colourless Colour”? Or "Reflections Are Protections"? That's got quite a nice hook. All “As If By Magic” does is remind us that Ladyhawke did a song about magic and it was so much better.

13. St. Vincent – Laughing With A Mouth Full Of Blood (down from No.8!)


I have been struggling for some time to explain (mostly to myself) the source of the various brilliances of St. Vincent. I have narrowed this down to the following.

When she sings she sounds as though she is a school teacher oh so patiently explaining a simple concept to a kid who JUST. DOESN’T. GET. IT. But she’s so nice about it, explaining “no Tommy, it is not nice to draw with crayon all over Sally’s face.” But you just know that she’s a simmering time bomb who is about to explode (and is probably an alcoholic). It’s a calm exterior with some festering anger management issues underneath. And that’s always intriguing.

Curiously, that’s also the reason I like Kevin Rudd.



14. Chew Lips – Salt Air (new entry!)

Possibly the best electro song of all time is “Destroy Everything You Touch” by Ladytron (possibly it’s The Knife’s “Heartbeats”) because it’s an angry dancing song that brings to mind the angry dancing scene in Footloose. But with robots.

This is almost as good. It’s almost as dangerous. And maybe it’s not angry as such, maybe just a bit miffed, but they are getting drunk and they are crashing cars, so it kind of screams attitude. It also screams catchy as fuck and utter choonage (there’s also a sort of Yeah Yeah Yeahs style of singing as though you are on the edge of a nervous breakdown about it, and who doesn’t like that?).

This, in other words, is what St Vincent is like when she gets home frustrated after a day teaching those fucking kids, and then gets so drunk that she burns her Thai curry.









15. Lissy Trullie – Ready For The Floor (new entry!)


I do believe I am in a cover-version mood at the moment.

New York rocker – just can tell she’s rocker because she’s wearing a leather jacket - who used to be a model. Hot! Singing a Hot Chip song.

Now I’ve never been too sure about Hot Chip, since I’m not sure what my position is about fat guys humping their keyboards. And they’ve always reminded me of the strange kid in class who always wet his pants and picked his nose and ate it (not his nose per se but the stuff in it).

So now the song is being sung by a hot girl who probably does not wet her pants, turning it into a big rock chorus that can best be described as “perfect for a car commercial”, and suddenly all the things that annoyed me are gone, and I think that Lissy could possibly get me to buy a damn car.




16. Filthy Dukes featuring Wiley – Tupac Robot Club Rock (new entry!)

Close your eyes for a second and imagine, what could a song called “Tupac Robot Club Rock” possibly sound like?

Most likely what you imagined right now was absolutely 100% correct. Except that it’s better than what you could possibly imagine.





17. I Heart Hiroshima – Shakeytown (new entry!)

Included for a number of reasons, the main ones being:

(a) They supported Shonen Knife, although one suspects this was largely because of their name.
(b) Because I feel guilty about the fact that whenever I’ve seen the drummer/lead singer/only-member-with-any-charisma I’ve mistaken her for a guy (consider it the Le Tigre syndrome). Which is slightly better than my impression when I saw her drumming, which was that she was a monkey. I mean that as a compliment.





18. El Perro Del Mar – Change Of Heart (new entry!)

It is unfortunate that I ever found out that her real name is Sarah Assbring, because it always makes me smurk like the immature little man I am. Especially, since she is the maker of some of the saddest tear-inducing tunes of the last decade. She deserves so much more than people giggling about her name, and the eternal circle of heart break that appears to be her life.

Her life does appear to have gain some resemblance of order now however, and although I doubt if we will be seeing her smile at any time soon, it’s good to see her stepping away from the edge of the building. She’s okay. I mean, listen to this. The strings. The jazz pattering of the drums. It’s very smooth.




19. Tiny Masters Of Today – Skeletons (new entry!)


Sounding exactly like you’d expect a band with a collective age younger than “Mmm Bop” era Hanson and a mouth full of braces to sound. That is, as though they just got given guitars for their birthday and this is their first jam (it isn’t. This is actually their second album) making noise and just banging around and sounding a lot like Hi-5 with a clanging racket over the top of it. I wonder if they do children’s birthday parties.


20. The Kanye bits of “Run This Town” – also featuring Jay-Z and Rihanna (new entry!)

It’s appropriate that there is a second in the video to “Run This Town” while Kanye is rapping, where you actually see Rihanna smile. Laugh even. The ice-queen shows her human, her not “I’m too cool to smile” side. And why? Because Kanye is ripping this shit up.

Sample lyrics include: “it’s crazy how you can go from being Joe Blow/ to everybody on your dick, no homo” to “baby you need to drop some new things/ have you ever had shoes without shoe strings” to “I’m sorry but BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!!!”

Jay-Z is left mostly standing around going “yeah…. wassup?” on his own fucking hit single. Pathetic.

The Top Twenty Television Theme Songs Of All Time (but mostly from the 80s)

1. Family Ties

As soppy as “That’s What Friends Are For”, “The Greatest Love Of All”, “Islands In The Stream” and any other gooey piece of mush from the 80s all combined (and then minus “Especially For You” because that would be just overkill) Family Ties is the pinnacle of the TV theme song artform, specifically any that revolves around either a nuclear family, or a quirky non-nuclear family (there are an awful lot of those aren’t therefore) , or bunch of friends who just love each other way too much.

It probably shouldn’t be surprising really … it was sung by Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams. Denise Williams did “Let’s Hear For The Boy.” Johnny Mathis is one of those wussy lounge singers who is probably either performing on a cruise ship or a casino (or ideally in the casino of a cruise ship) as you are reading this.

And not that it has anything to do with the song, Michael J. Fox sliding across the room and going “da-da” at 0.38 is the reason I now have a swivel chair. That, and pure logistical convenience.

Also, that portrait in the video, is impossibly good for something so small, don’t you think? Look at the size of that hand. Look at the detail.

Back to the actual song now (and comparisons to other songs, in order to demonstrate that it genuinely is better).

As odd as it sounds to say this about a TV theme song, but it was “influential”. Family Ties began in 1982. By 1985 there was "Growing Pains", which was just Family Ties with a guitar solo in the background. Then there was “Full House” which attempted to combine the whole “that’s what friends are for”-ness with crappy pop-philosophy and a busker-funk bassline. With annoying results. And the "Golden Girls"… okay that was quite touching with the bit about the party.

And then, there is the “shun a na na” bit at the end, which just tips the whole thing over the edge and into utter awesomeness.

Not of course, forgetting, the piece of utter genuisness which was:

Sit Ubu sit. Good dog. Woof!

2. Astro Boy

Television theme songs tend to be on the happy side. There are few however, that quite reach the height of ecstasy achieved by this tune. Just play this song before you leave for work in the morning, hell before you even have a cup of coffee, make it the theme song to your life, and I swear you shall leave the house feeling like a super hero. How you feel for the rest of the day however is out of the songs control.

And as good as the opening theme is, it is the “ending theme” – a completely different song – that makes “Astro Boy” special. A song about the hero within us all, Mariah Carey style. The combination of these songs, two slices of naïve optimism, a reminder of simpler times when anything felt possible, made Astro Boy one of the sweetest achievements of the human race in the late 20^th century.

From a more technical point of view, both the intro and ending version, have ripper guitar solos and a funky disco beat.

And if you need more Astro Boy , you can go to Japan and the Osamu Tesuka Manga Museum – more commonly known as the “Astro Boy” museum. It’s not only Astro of course. Tesuka also created the almost as awesome “Kimba The White Lion.”

3. Degrassi Jnr High

As mentioned above, television theme songs tend to be on the happier side of the half way point between happy and sad. Degrassi Jnr High is half a “c’mon kids you can do it!!!!” kind of thing, and consequently something that everybody should hate (“yeah it just so easy isn’t it. I’ll just try and I’ll succeed. FUCK OFF!! Arthur tried all the time… and he went NOWHERE. He doesn’t even get a Wikipedia entry!!!”), but at the same time totally negative. Toe-tapping beat = depression. BUT THEN!!!!....WAIT!!!! They have a new friend! And suddenly the world is a rainbow and we are all celebrating in the whole motivational lecture-ness of it all.

Which means that either the grin that goes from ear to ear whenever we hear this song is because it does cheer us up and give us the energy to go on, or because it has such a high level of fakery that we have to shake our heads at the stupidness of adults for thinking we would be sucked in by it – whilst at the same time cheering us up and giving us the energy to go on.

And here is Zit Remedy (who, it has to be said, were crap)

4. Love Boat

One of my most proud memories as an Australian child was the episode where the Love Boat visited Sydney. That was almost as exciting a validation of my world, as when my crappy little home town got a McDonalds.

This however, has nothing to do with the song.

The Love Boat theme song may in fact be the most camp piece of music ever written. I suspect that even Peter Allen may have believed that they had gone too far. It is lovely. It is lush. It is loungey. It may in fact be Jens Lekman’s biggest influence.

5. Knight Rider

“Knight Rider… a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man… who does not exist” we are informed by a man in a disturbingly voice that can best be described as “Thriller”-esque, and over the top of a tune so futuristic and funky that it has been sampled on all manner of hip-hop tunes (including the Punjabi MC’s “Beware Of The Boys” thereby achieving the cross-cultural achievement of probably being the only American TV show theme song to be featured on a Bhangra track). Kraftwerk would have been proud.

6. Buffy

There’s the spooky organ – for a second – at the beginning. That what gets you first. It’s whispers horror, as spooky organs are prone to do. Then Nerf Herder come in and every time they do that “nneeeerrrrroooooowww” thing down to neck of the guitar – which is 4 times, entirely ample in a 45 second intro – that’s rather exciting too. And then the “boom chi-chic boom chi-chic boom ” of the drums at the end, just to finish things off with a big cathedral bell clang. That’s quite a rock ending. That’s how rock songs are supposed to end. Rock bands please take note, because THIS is how you write a rock tune. You may like to include lyrics.

7. The Simpsons

One of the most complicated, multi-layers, sub-text filled, pop cultural referencing programs of all time, demanded of course, the most complicated, multi-layered theme songs.

8. Monkey Magic

“In the worlds before Monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order. But the phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown. The four worlds formed again and yet again, as endless aeons wheeled and passed. Time and the pure essences of Heaven, the moisture of the Earth, the powers of the Sun and the Moon all worked upon a certain rock, old as creation. And it became magically fertile. That first egg was named "Thought". Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha, said, "With our thoughts, we make the World". Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch. From it then came a stone monkey. The nature of Monkey was irrepressible!”

This is pronounced, in the kind of old man Chinese accent which possibly only exists inside of TVs and movie cinemas. The kind of Chinese accent that makes you go “wow, you are one Zen muthafucker”

And THEN… it launches into a groovy spectacle, with the funkiest bassline that ever popped! And that’s the most magical thing of all.

9. 21 Jump Street

This is apparently how you got teenagers excited in the eighties. A bit of a “woo!”, lyrics about striving to belong (see Degrassi), and being yourself (ditto), and actually come to think of it (based on the couple of episodes of the show I’ve watched on DVD, we didn’t get it out in the bush where I came from in the 80s) it was quite a bit like Degrassi. As if they were in a production meeting and someone said “you know what would be good? Something like Degrassi, but with more Joey Jeremiah’s and less Caitlans.”

Apparently, in the bits where they shout “JUMP!!!”. That’s Johnny Depp. Who shall be making a cameo in the new 21 Jump Street movie! Hopefully either as a pirate, or some sort of mad scientist invention.

And I’d like to give props to the YouTube commenter (who calls himself “Mr Exodus”) who said: “talk about having a full spectrum of culture on your team....you got your 2 pretty boy caucasians, a chick, the roundhouse kicking asian, and the veteran black guy that appears to be "Too old for this shit".”

10. Magnum P.I.

The theme to Rocky may just be one of the most influential pieces of music of all time. After this any form of media that wanted to demonstrate high levels of testosterone and chest hair – a certain Tom Selleck-ness - had to compete with and ensure that it was able to match the fighting power of the Rocky Theme song. Magnum P.I. did. MacGyver on the other hand didn’t. But in MacGyver’s case he was probably too much of a pretty boy for it to matter.

11. Beverley Hills 90210

When through a wide variety of arrangements throughout its lifetime. Do try to avoid the First Season, where it has a New Jack Swing/Paula Abdul/Bobby Brown vibe to it. It wasn’t good – and apparently the first season wasn’t too successful - and sensibly they soon moved on to a sound that could best be described as “more kick arse.”

Go straight to the big power chord opening, of Season 2 and 3, which does go off, especially when the saxophone kicks in. But there was still a problem. It was just too long. 1:30 is way too long for any TV theme song, and it meant that for a little bit in the middle there was some needless jazz improvisation. Nobody wants that in a TV theme song. So they cut it back to the basics, the 1:00 (sometimes 1:04) tune that we know today, and which has gone down in history.

12. Country Practice

In Australia, in your first piano lesson, you learn scales and Chopsticks. In your second lesson you learn the Country Practice theme song. It’s dead easy. Just a “dink-dink dink-dink” with your left hand, then a “plonk-plonk plonk-plonk” with the right. Then there’s that bit with the strings, which is probably a bit trickier. And then there’s the bit where Frank Gilroy tells off Shirley for trimming the rose bushes wrong, and Cookie and Bob Hadfield look like they are up to their old schemes again.

Because I know this is what you want to see, click here for the clip of Molly dying. Make sure the tissues are on hand before you do.

13. The OC

Although Ryan Atwood was supposedly the main character of the OC, you could just tell that from the very beginning they knew that all anyone would really care about was Seth Cohen and whether he would get to schtup Summer. Other than that everyone was just waiting for Marissa to get with a girl and die.

Why else would they choose such a Seth friendly song for the theme song (yeah sure Marissa said she liked Jeff Buckley but come on…). From the pretty dinkly piano at the outset you can just tell that this is not going to be a show for Journey fans (that is people who were Journey fans before the whole Sopranos finale thing). It’s going to be a show for guys who like bands that sound like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining, and the girls they have a crush on.

14. Fraggle Rock

I could have chosen any Jim Henson associated theme songs, - and probably should have chosen them all, and I just want to say that the Smart E’s techno cover of the Sesame Street theme song is possibly the most brilliant dumb thing ever created – but Fraggle Rock wins because it did more than just say “hey here’s a television show for you to watch kids, it’s that FUN? Yes? …. Good. Now shut up and watch it.” It was more than that. It explained the entire philosophy of the show – and quite a complicated show it was as well, featuring an entire multi-leveled ecosystem - in one minute song, that even more incredibly manages to also feature a funky bassline – possibly stolen from Talking Heads “Psycho Killer” but possibly not - and some clapping (I like clapping)

15. Happy Days

Rock’n’roll. From the very start it seemed designed to be music to feel nostalgic about (even for those yet to be born, yet to be conceived to its primordial rhythms), from the very beginning it seemed designed for nothing else but to capture the memories of a long lost youth, when times were simpler, and days were happier.

It’s such a classic pop tune, that even had it not have been a TV theme song it deserved to be a timeless hit single, if only because reciting the days of the week (and then getting all over-excited about Saturday) is a fool proof way to write a hit single.

16. The X-Files

Possibly no song represents the 90s as much as the X-Files theme song. It was so ubiquitous that not only was there a techno remix of it that almost went to No.1 – not to mention the theme itself getting to No.27 – but Bjork had to rip it off for “Pagan Poetry”.

The question still needs to be asked. Which was spookier? The spine chilling and suspenseful “bub-bub-bub-bub.... BUB!!” Or the ominous whistling? Or should I just realize that its just a piece of music and it’s safe to come out from under the bed covers now.

17. The Greatest American Hero

Listening to the theme song to “The Greatest American Hero” – in which the wussiest super hero of all time, get’s the wussiest super-hero theme song of all time (in which becoming a super-hero appears to be equated more or less with accidently winning the lottery) – is not often an enjoyable experience (there is something wrong with a super-hero theme song sounding as though it is being sung by John Denver – which it is not) it wins points for it’s stick-in-your-headiness.

It was almost a Number One in 1982

18. Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

An extension of his previous hit “Parent’s Just Don’t Understand” – same crappy graffiti covered bedroom that was featured in the music video, and the same pushy Mother – Fresh Prince of Bel Air came at the moment in 1990 when rap became big enough to have both it’s own Number One’s – “U Can’t Touch This” “Bust A Move” - and its own sit-com. A moment of mainstream validation if ever there was one.

19. The A-Team

“If you have a problem. If no-one else can help. And if you can find them. Maybe you can hire… The A-Team.” Although it is difficult to hear the tune itself underneath all the sounds of gun fire, helicopters, car crashes and Mr T smashing open a door, there is a tune that promises nothing if not non-stop action.

20. Dr Who

Has gone down in history as one of the first pieces of music ever to be written with a synthesizer – back when synthesizers didn’t even have piano keys, they were a bundle of knobs, and plugs, and holes to put the plugs in, with an abacus hanging out the side, and had to be cranked up by hand. Oh how things have changed.

Has gone down in many a 70s and 80s child’s memory, as being a piece of music that either scared the shit out of you, or else just gave you the jitters.

TOP TEN DEATH MATCH No.10!!!!

Okay kids, it’s time for another Top Ten Death Match! In which we attempt to determine whether the pop charts have actually gotten worse, or if it's just us, and we're all old and out of touch with the kids.

We do this by comparing the current Australian Top Ten with a randomly generated Top Ten from the past.

This time our "THEN" Top Ten is from 1988 (which just so happens to be the year that I started getting into pop music, so it is very much my “era” and there may consequently be a little bit of bias, which I shall still however try to keep to a minimum).


The score currently is

NOW: 4
THEN: 5

Veeerrryyy close. I know that I'm on the edge of my seat with excitement. I hope that you are too.

So here we go...



1. Guy Sebastian – Like It Like That 2/5

A lot has happened since Guy Sebastian won Idol. He’s written the theme song for World Youth Day – no word on whether Pope Benedict XVI (you know, the evil Nazi one) is a fan or not – and he’s gotten married, which means that assumedly he is no longer a virgin and doesn’t look totally awkward trying to sing sexy songs (actually he still does a little bit, he needs to work on this bit). He has buffed up to an extent that his managers really should take him aside, have an intervention and take away his steroids. Sadly, one thing hasn’t changed. The songs = shit.


2. David Guetta ft. Akon - Sexy Bitch 2/5


There are times when you find out, with some shock, that some singer that you were only dimly aware of, is apparently considered in some circles to be something of a mega-star.

Akon is such a singer.

In case, like me, you have let his career pass you by so far, here is a quick run down of the “highlights.”

It all started with a Number One he had way back in 2005 with little song called “Lonely”, which – with it’s chipmunk vocal chorus - still stands as one of the most irritating Number Ones of all time (right up there with Eiffel 65).

Then he did “The Sweet Escape” with Gwen Stefani, for which he seemed to do nothing but go “woo! hoo!” a lot, thereby making an already average tune, even more average. By which I mean bad.

There just doesn’t seem to be much by the way of “good” when it comes to Akon. His life is a series of “failures”. Number One hit making failures certainly, but failures none the less.
But nothing prepared me for the level of fail achieved from this song, in which our man tries as hard as he can to be a romantic.

“I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful… damn youse a Sexy Bitch.” Fail. Epic Fail. This song belongs on Fail Blog.

Akon is not the kind of guy to give up though. Later on, he tries again…

“She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore”

And people say that romance is dead.



3. Kate Miller-Heidke - The Last Day On Earth 4/5

A perfect song for crying to. The piano bits sound like teardrops. The dramatic pauses between each line because she needs to sniffle between one line and the next. And there is the “yeah-hey-e-yeah hey ah ah” bits, which I’m pretty sure is the exact sound a heart makes the moment it is breaking. And, so it turns out, a perfect song to have on television when a popular character is dying. Who’s willing to bet that Gray’s Anatomy will snap it up for when one of their characters dies next (please let it be Meredith, please let it be Meredith).

Didge can now be seen serving you at Babuka on Brunswick Street.


4. The Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling 3/5 (I was wrong last time, this song really doesn't deserve to be a 4)

As the decade is coming to a close I find myself looking back at the megastars that have defined it, and coming to the conclusion upon reflection that maybe they were a whole of a lot better than I felt at the time. That Kanye is probably a genius. That Beyonce totally has both sass and balls, and a nice booty as well. That Justin has even better facial hair than the iiNet guy, and that I want to be him.

One band though has not benefited from this re-evalation. I actually used to think that “Shut Up” was kind of epic (“dat waz a difrent thang” “no it aint WOOOAHAHAGSGH”).
Just a minute, I’ll just listen to it again, to see whether it has stood the test of time.

(pause… listens to “Shut Up”)

Nup. The epicness has gone. I guess that after a decade of Fergiliciousness, even that one piece of joy has been ruined.


5. Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester – Good Girls Go Bad 2.5/5

This should be a lesson to all of us. You can cross your fingers and hope that a style of music will go away, but the kids are on to that sort of shit, and they will buy these records just to piss you off. The kids are sick like that (feel free to take that as sick meaning good or sick meaning bad, I’m not sure which I mean myself). Since Metro Station the world has been in this confusing situation where there are these band that look like punk bands – they always seem to be hanging around festivals with Vans logos in the background, that makes them punk doesn’t it? – but sound like Lady GaGa (she really is inescapable you know).

I think I get why they do this though. What with downloads and everything, there’s no money in rock’n’roll anymore, so there is only one reason to start a band: pussy. And what better way to guarantee your source of pussy than to make music that sluts like. So you make a cover version of “I Kissed A Girl”, call it “I Kissed A Boy”, then get one of the Gossip Girls to rap on your record (I’ve never seen Gossip Girls but I believe this is a bit of a big deal) and bingo! Pussy galore!!

And how awesome a band name is Cobra Starship! It’s a pretty awesome name that.

There are a few nice crowd pleasing touches on this tune. The autotuned bit. The cheerleader breakdown in the middle eight. Quite entertaining. But to be frank, I’m 34, and I’m way too old for this shit.




6. Cascada – Evacuate The Dancefloor 3.5/5

I first heard of Cascada when they managed the impossible and kept Michael Jackson off the top spot in the UK Singles Chart. I thought, well well well, they mustn’t suck then.

Um.

There are good things about this song. And there are bad things about this song.

On the bad side, it sounds like an even tackier version of Lady GaGa’s “Just Dance” – Wikipedia describe them as “uber-cheesy”, so clearly they are far beyond normal levels of cheese – even going as far as (a) having a sleazy looking guy doing the bad rap thing (“guess whose back on a brand new track” um, um… I give up. Who? Oh you’re a nobody. Well that was a whole lot of suspense for nothing) and (b) the lead singer (apparently it’s a group) looking more like a man than Lady GaGa does.

The good things? Well that depends on your level of embracement of all things “uber-cheesy” (my personal embracement levels are medium-high). Did you like S Club 7’s “Don’t Stop Moving”? With it’s clichéd disco lyrics and occasional robot vocals? If you answered yes, then maybe you will like this.

Also you can’t ignore a chorus THAT BIG! That is ONE BIG CHORUS of the kind that only hardcore Euro-trash can produce.

Not sure if referring to music as “feels like an overdose” is particularly responsible though. The kiddies might be listening.



7. Pitbull - I Know You Want Me 1.5/5

There are a couple of good things about this song. The fact that after watching the video to it I don't think I'll have to check out the "Hot Chicks With Douchebags" site for at least a year, because now I've had my fix.

Fans of terrible lines may find something to treasure in "got an ass like a donkey with a monkey."

But other than that there is nothing. Nothing at all. And they've killed "The Bomb" by the Bucketheads. That's like one of my favourite songs ever. PITBULL MUST DIE!!!





8. Beyonce – Sweet Dreams 3/5

Beyonce is not a singer. She is a force of nature that is not to be mess-up with. And this is not a song. It is a demonstration of her awe inspiring power. The tune is all about Beyonce’s voice and the fact that it is awesome (the video by the way is all about Beyonce’s body and the fact that it is also awesome) The same could be said about virtually any Beyonce song of course (and every video). I do get the impression however the this song is designed especially as a show off piece, and is all about causing the listener to breathe out and go “woah” at the end of it, as an indication of their appreciation that they just experienced something “woah”-worthy. As far as that goes, mission accomplished, we now know that you are Beyonce and you are awesome and the competition should cower in respect. It is however, nowhere near as fun as “Single Ladies” or as “special” as “Halo”.


9. Alesha Dixon - The Boy Does Nothing 3.5/5

Which is one of those "I've got a useless boyfriend" songs in which the boy's biggest crime is that "OMG da brover can't even dance!" (has any guy ever actually been dumped for not being able to dance?) a la "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" but with a Latino groove which (and please take into account that this is being written by possibly the whitest boy alive) is pretty damned hot!


10. The Gossip – Heavy Cross 4.5/5

Things that people know about The Gossip (a) Beth is fat, (b) her voice is also REALLY big (c) she’s a lesbian so she’s got this whole diva thing down pat, (d) they had this song called “Standing In The Way Of Control” that someone tried to do on Australian Idol and it was a total car crash.

Having done their market research, The Gossip have decided to go on a “brand building” exercise. Firstly, they realized that the best parts of “Control” are the bits when Beth goes “wooaah” and “yeeahh. So they’ve actually managed to up the “yeeeeaaahhhhh” and “wooooaaaahh” quota. Smart move.

Secondly, Beth has upped the belting the song out quota. Her voice may have actually gotten BIGGER! Even smarter move! Can I make a suggestion that in their next video they there should be a bit at the end where Beth gets so excited and is belting it out so madly, that she explodes!! Seriously, it’s the only way to top this performance.

It is, in other words, a dream Gossip track (although possibly not as good as “Control”) and very good marketing, as can be seen from the fact that a previously B-list indie dance band is now playing at the top of the pop charts.

It will be interesting to see if any Australian Idol contestants dare to tackle this. Car crashage would be guaranteed.


Which make's a total of 30! Which to be frank, is pretty piss poor. Damn you Pitbull and your Douche-ness!

Let's see if 1988 can be any less douchey.




1. Fairground Attraction – Perfect 3/5

If at the beginning of 1988 you were to ask what genre of music was least likely to end up at No.1 the answer probably would not have been skiffle (AllMusic describes them as a neo-skiffle band, a movement which until now I was not aware) . Mainly because few people would even think of it. But Fairground Attraction did in fact manage this unlikely feat. How did this happen? Simply by not forgetting some simple pop-rules that never fail.

Never underestimate the power of stuttering your lyrics “BE-E-E-E P-ER-ER-ER-FECT.”

And never underestimate the power of a song that gives young ladies relationship advice and convinces them that they deserve more.


2. John Farnham – Age Of Reason 4/5

Imagine being John Farnham in 1988.

Two years earlier you have released “You’re The Voice”. It becomes Australia’s unofficial national anthem and an inspiration to us all. The album “Whispering Jack” – which Glen Wheatley had to mortgage his house for - is Number One for half a year, and can pretty much be considered as the Australian version of “Thriller”.

How do you follow something like that up?

Essentially by making a version of “You’re The Voice” but make it sound even BIGGER. More choirs. More eighties drums. And a piano solo that is lovely, and seems to want to take off, but just fades out in desperation of the crazy mixed up world we live in. And a song that, like “You’re The Voice” seems to be making a stance against the injustices of the world, and the power of the people to fix it, but is so vague that quite what the injustices are, and how we can fix them is left to the imagination.

(The need for such a song in each of John Farnham’s albums after this was clear. “Chain Reaction” had “That’s Freedom” after which Johnny possibly got bored with the whole idea, and went "down the dumper”)


3. Robert Palmer – Simply Irresistible 3/5


Between Pitbull and Robert Palmer I don't think I'll ever feel to need to go on "Hot Chicks With Douchebags" ever again. And Robert Palmer was the worst kind of douchebag. An old one.

More proof positive that when you have one hit single, the best career move is… to make exactly the same record again.

A couple of years earlier Robert had had a Number One with a little tune called “Addicted To Love” – apparently he wrote it in his sleep – all about how he was a sucker for hot chicks (especially one assumes if they were wearing skin tight dresses) along with some sluggish bluesy music with a big 80s beat. The video featured Robert in a suit, and a bunch of girls in skin tight dresses looking bored in the background.

Two years later Robert popped up again with another Number One all about how he was a sucker for hot chicks (especially one assumes if they were wearing skin tight dresses) along with some sluggish bluesy music with a big 80s beat. The video featured Robert in a suit, and a bunch of girls in skin tight dresses looking bored in the background.

It is even worth debating which of these two tunes was the best?

Soon after this he ran out of ideas, so he did a song with UB40 (never a good sign) and was never heard of again.




4. The Timelords – Doctorin’ The Tardis 4/5

Here is a song that it impossible to judge in any rational way, or at least in any way that has anything to do with your ears. Your enjoyment of this song is directly related to one or a mixture of the following
(a) how much you like Dr Who
(b) how much you like Gary Glitter
(c) how much you like Slade (did they really need both Gary Glitter AND Slade? Surely one or the other would have been enough)
(d) how much you like the idea of the KLF, the fact that it stands for the Kopyright Liberation Front, whether you have read “The Manual (HOW TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE THE EASY WAY)” – which should certainly be counted as one of the “Great Books Of The Western World” - and your general attitude to anarchy which lies within.

And of course it featured a video with such crappy Daleks that you’ll never question the budget of the sixties episodes (that’s the one’s before Tom Baker) again.




5. Crowded House – Better Be Home Soon 5/5

Some songs just don’t really need validation or analysis do they? You know that they are special. And I know that you know that they are special. I can tell by the tears pouring down your face.




6. Bros – I Owe You Nothing 4/5


There’s not many people who can impersonate both Michael Jackson and George Michael simultaneously. It’s was probably a surprise to Matt when he found that people didn’t treat he, his brother (and the other dude) seriously. I mean, listen to the growling in his voice when he hits the lower notes. This guy is seriously trying to be awesome. And within the limits of late 80s teen pop, he was. Just compare the energy of Bros with what were supposed to be their closest competition, Brother Beyond (even their name was clearly an attempt to put them head to head with the latest teen sensation) who were like, totally lifeless and shit.

A year later they would be slaughtered by New Kids On The Block, who depending on who you believe, walked off the plane at Heathrow with the words “We’ve come to kill Bros” (or something similar). Which they then proceeded to do.



7. Kylie Minogue – Got To Be Certain 3.5/5

There is a lot to like about “Got To Be Certain.” That it’s not as annoying as “I Should Be So Lucky.” That the chorus, and the special effects they put on Kylie’s voice are awesome, and that Stock Aitken Waterman’s patented drum machine is popping off gloriously. That in the video she spins around Melbourne so much that you could probably do a backpacker tour simply based on “Kylie strutted down this jetty with some really bad denim jeans” and “Kylie strutted down this bike track by the Yarra in a really stupid red hat and then went straight to the Melbourne Cup” (or since it was released in July, maybe not – although that sky is way too blue to be a Melbourne winter). That (according to Wikipedia) the German version featured a picture of a boomerang on the cover.

There is also a lot to be frustrated about “Got To Be Certain” though. Such as the way the verses are just shit. I realize that it is not absolutely necessary that lyrics should rhyme. But check out this second verse”

“Ive got some friends who say
Boys are all the same
Theyre only looking out for just one thing
Im only hoping that
You wont turn out like that
I need some time til I can make up my mind”

The only words that rhyme are “that” and “that”. That’s not even a rhyme! Surely it could have been that hard to find a word that rhymes with thing (it’s not like you were trying to rhyme with orange!) um… “I need some time/ I can wait until spring”? Maybe? I mean Pete, you’re supposed to be this pop genius. Lift up your game.

It was also apparently the first song ever to debut at Number One (some will tell you Midnight Oil but that was an EP which would get us into the whole “are EP’s singles or albums debate”, and “were Ratcat ripped off by ARIA because they wouldn’t let “Tingles” go to Number One”, and if we get into THAT we could be here all night). She was a bit of a big deal you know.



8. Cheap Trick – Don’t Be Cruel 2/5

In which one of the best power pop bands in the world belittle themselves by doing a really bad cover. Doing a power ballad with “The Flame” was one thing – and a very good thing at that – but doing an Elvis cover is another. Bobby Brown had a single with a song called “Don’t Be Cruel” at about the same time. And it was better (it was more down with the now). Ask yourselves, Cheap Trick… do you want to be beaten by Bobby Brown?



9. The Chantoozies – Wanna Be Up 3/5

Here is what Aussie bubble gum pop was like in the eighties when we didn’t rely on British pop geniuses. Less emphasis on drum machines. More emphasis of “real instruments”. And much more emphasis on wind machines. But just as much up-beat joy, apparently put to use just to hide the fact that the song appears to be about being a prostitute.

I can also take the Kylie comparison further if you like, by pointing out that this group featured Tottie Goldsmith who later on starred in Neighbours. Making her the anti-Kylie!

So it turns out that Neighbours can be a good place to end your pop career as well as start it.



10. Underworld – Underneath The Radar 3.5/5

I refuse to believe that this – a song that sounds like some mutant cowboy fusion of The Escape Club’s “Wild Wild West” and that “Mexican Radio” song - is the same band that did “Born Slippy.” Absolutely refuse. To the extent that I want blood and DNA tests.


Which brings us to a total of 34.5 points!!!!!

Meaning that THEN has totally pwnd NOW!

WOW!

The running total therefore, after ten of these Top Ten Death Matches is...

NOW: 4
THEN: 6

How very exciting!